Abusive behaviour could be Intentional or Unintentional; What distiguishes an abusive person?

The structure of patriarchy inherently maintains power imbalances that frequently result in control, coercion, and various forms of harm. It is SYSTEMICALLY ABUSIVE, even when individuals involved may not intend or recognise it as such.

Patriarchy is a societal framework where men hold the predominant power, dominating roles of moral authority, social privilege, and property control. It is fundamentally rooted in a gender hierarchy.

In patriarchy, control and violence are normalised; male dominance over women and children is justified as protection or leadership. Domestic violence, physical violence, sexual harassment, and economic control are all forms of gender-based violence that are often enabled, excused, or overlooked. Terms like ‘discipline’, ‘obedience’, and ‘submission’ are used to rationalise coercive and controlling behaviors.

Patriarchy frequently silences opposition and suppresses dissent. Women are often labeled as ‘hysterical’, ‘overreacting’, or ‘disobedient’ when they speak out. Systems (legal, cultural, religious, social, labour) often favour male power, leading to institutional gaslighting or dismissal of abuse claims.

Patriarchal beliefs and practices are transmitted through family, culture, religion, and education, often perpetuating toxic masculinity, especially suppressing emotions and enforcing dominance. This results in internalised misogyny and the acceptance of abusive norms, with gendered expectations harming both men and women, where men dominate and women must endure.

If the abuse is unintentional and the person causing it has a healthy emotional and mental capacity, they may not be considered an abuser even though their behavior was abusive. They take responsibility, they show remorse, they apologise and they change their behaviour.

Women particularly endure a wide range of abuse not only in family contexts but especially in such settings. Due to socialisation, women often do not recognise they are being abused because of the normalisation of male dominance.

In my work I encounter abuse daily, including physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, and financial, all related to family matters, with victims who are mostly women and children and the abusers mostly being men. It has become easier to identify patterns of coercive and controlling behavior and within minutes I pick up abuse, I clarify specific sequences of events, statements and discriptions. I am then able to give the vicitm the correct language to use to discribe her abuse and the impacts so that when she articulates it, it is clearly understood. Without the correct language trying to describe what the abuser does and the harms caused becomes overwhelming and often not clearly understood.

A common example is: He gets into a mood and I get anxious and scared because he is going to lose his temper and then shit hits the fan.

“I live in a state of hypervigilance because his moods are unpredictable. When he becomes withdrawn or irritable, I experience intense anxiety and fear anticipating a verbal or emotional outburst. This repeated pattern of behaviour amounts to coercive control and emotional abuse, as it conditions me to modify my behaviour to avoid triggering him.” This discription uses specific words that explains clearly what the behavour is and the harms.

This is a typicle cycle of abuse, identifiying the stages, tactics and tools is important and then using the correct terms such as tension, ghosting, gaslighting, disregulation, explosion, violent outbursts, blame - DARVO (defend, attack, reverse vicitm offender) minimises harm.

The main traits of an abuser include:

They do not feel guilt,

They refuse to take responsibility,

They show no remorse or exhibit false remorse,

They distort events or words, known as gaslighting,

They deflect and blame, using a typical DARVO (divert, attack, reverse victim and offender) strategy.

They lack empathy,

They escalate situations rather than de-escalate.

They feel entitled,

They cannot self-regulate,

They are insecure despite appearing confident and authoritative,

They are often charismatic and charming to others,

They do not change or wish to change their behavior despite promising to,

They threaten.

THEY CHOOSE TO CAUSE HARM repeatedly, both during and after the relationship.

Victims often experience multiple forms of abuse and may not realise the extent or types of abuse they have endured or continue to endure, but they know how they feel. They may not always have the right words to express the different forms of abuse and their effects, it's a cycle that remains the same: honeymoon period, tension building (feeling like walking on eggshells), explosion, reconciliation, calm and then it repeats, over and over.

The true impacts are rarely understood by the victim, their family, friends, employers, and least of all by the justice system, which is supposed to protect victims.

It is complex for many reasons, but if there is a desire to protect victims, hold perpetrators accountable, and reduce gender-based violence, the courts would stop working in isolation, and policies and regulations would be developed and implemented for all stakeholders, including legal representatives.

Advising someone to leave is well-intentioned but not the best advice without understanding the risks and having a carefully planned exit strategy, refer them to a Domestic Abuse Hotline or Help Centre.