Domestic Abuse - The elephant in the room.

The family courts intended to bring all family matter-related matters together as a cluster within the courts, specialized courts.

If you were in an abusive relationship, the chances are you will have cases in more than one court.

The abuse does not stop, it continues post-relationship, just differently as they no longer have direct contact and control.

While in a relationship the victim was threatened that if they ever left, they would leave with the clothes on their back and possibly face homelessness.

The victim does not initially believe it but when it is repeated often enough the victim realizes it is a possibility and stays until it is untenable, often when their lives are in danger.

How does it manifest post-relationship?

Often the first thing that happens is money is cut off. This would require having to 'beg' for money for shelter and food as basic needs and the other financial needs of the children if they have also moved out.

Asking for financial assistance could be met with;

👉Speak to my lawyer,

👉I will not give you a cent,

👉Take me to court,

👉Bring the children back,

👉I will get an interdict against you for harassment,

👉You left, your problem,

👉Speak to my girlfriend.

Other behaviours include;

👉Stalking,

👉Workplace harassment,

👉Work sabotage,

👉Cyber abuse,

👉Bad-mouthing you to friends and family,

👉Threatens to release sexually explicit material,

👉Using spyware to track you and have access to your devices.

👉If you report the behaviour there will be dire consequences,

👉They will kill you.

To get divorced you are required to have a patenting plan and maintenance agreement in your divorce agreement along with finalizing

the marriage regime.

If you were never married you will in the majority of times require a parenting plan and maintenance agreement.

But while navigating this you apply for a protection order against the abuse. Most victims DO NOT IMMEDIATELY apply for a protection order, it is only when the abuse escalates or it is ongoing that victims turn to the courts.

If there were multiple forms of abuse in relationship there is a greater chance of it being classified as 'high conflict' and you are advised to get a lawyer. Most victims can't afford legal representation so the unequal power dynamics continue.

The victim is often told by the Domestic Violence Courts to go to the Maintenance Courts for financial relief despite the provisions in the DV Act. Even if there is a provision in the protection order for financial relief, enforcing it is impossible.

Parenting plans, in the majority, are mediated by private mediators, lawyers or the Family Advocates Office.

Nowhere is a proper risk assessment done to establish the victim's full vulnerability.

No guidelines on how best to deal with these interconnected, intersectional matters, which was a part of the intention of the family court clustering.

Domestic violence is treated as a separate issue unrelated to co-parenting and maintenance and diminished during divorces. In fact, victims are coerced (forced) to withdraw protection orders for the sake of moving on and reaching 'amicable' solutions to VERY COMPLEX abuse.

Is Gender-Based Violence, Domestic Violence, Intimate Partner Violence, and Femicide only a PANDEMIC during 16 Days?

When the stats be released?

During the President's Speech?

INCLUDED IN The Domestic Violence Amendment Act, Act 14 of 2021, is an extensive definition of what constitutes domestic violence, many of which may directly or indirectly impact children, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, verbal [and] or psychological abuse, economic abuse, intimidation and damage to property. Important to acknowledge is that exposing a child to domestic violence is also considered as domestic violence and a criminal offense.

Section 2B of the Domestic Violence Amendment Act identifies that any adult person, who knows believes, or suspects on reasonable grounds, that an act of domestic violence has been committed against a child, a person with a disability, or an older person, MUST report such knowledge belief or suspicion as soon as possible to a social worker or the South African Police Services (SAPS).

From the BEST INTEREST of the CHILD being PARAMOUNT, you CAN'T ignore DOMESTIC VIOLENCE you are legally mandated to report it.

The cottage industry that has mushroomed around family matters DEMINISHES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Domestic Violence is not a 'dispute' to be mediated in any family court, including where there are maintenance and co-patenting matters between a victim and a perpetrator of domestic violence, it is a CRIMINAL MATTER.

Children's best interests are massaged by practitioners who are not trauma or victim-informed, their focus is to co-parent at all costs.

Despite the research on the impacts of Domestic Violence on children we continue to hear "Just because they abused you, it does not make them a bad parent or an abusive parent".

'Abuse' is cherry-picked to suit particular professionals that are financially benefitting from the status quo, they are the biggest winners and perpetuate Domestic Abuse by proxy.

The courts are inconsistent in interpreting and implementing the Domestic Violence Act.

Until EVERYBODY understands Domestic Violence properly we will not see a change in the DV needle.

Domestic Violence is the elephant in the room.

Domestic violence and the world of work

Sue a victim survivor of domestic violence shared her story with me of how domestic violence impacted in her workspace.

She had to attend a sales conference which was held out of town and all the top management were attending, they drove in several cars to the venue which was several hours away and left early in the morning. It had been arranged that they would stop over at a dam for breakfast, this delayed them in arriving and checking in to the hotel.

When they arrived at the hotel several people told her to report to reception immediately, there was a pile of messages to phone her ex husband, lets call him Joe, all were urgent, there were a few from her mother as well, she thought that something had happened to one of her children who were very young at the time and were at home with the nanny and Joe. She phoned her mother first, her mother said "are you okay" because Joe had phoned her several times saying he is worried that something had happened to her as he estimated it should only take so many hours and she had not arrived. Sue told her they had stopped for breakfast and that everything was fine and that she would phone him. Sue then phoned Joe from the reception. He screamed so loud that the hotel staff and others that were checking in could hear him screaming at her, he accused her of stopping on the way and having sex with a coworker. She kept trying to tell him that they had all stopped for breakfast but he did not believe her, he never did, people could see that she was visibly upset, it was not long and everybody knew about Joe's calls. Her intimate partner violence was not a private matter anymore, back then she knew very little about domestic violence and companies even less so.

It did not stop there, he would phone Sue several times a day, before breakfast, at lunch time, before and after dinner, mobile phones were not a thing yet. She would have to run back to the room because if she was not there when he called it was trouble, he threatened to drive down if she did not take his calls. If her room mate was on a call to her husband when he called, they would cut her call and put Joe through, everybody knew about Joe. Her colleagues tried their best to support her, her seniour manager even spoke to him once because Sue was not available to take his call, it was very embarrassing for her. She eventually had to leave that company as there were several occasions that she could not attend company functions because it would cause trouble for her.

One occasion her married seniour manager took advantage of her vulnerability, his comforting became frequent and eventually they had sex.  Sue lived in constant fear that Joe would find out.

The next company Sue joined did not have many staff members and less company functions and that was a conscious choice to avoid problems for herself and in her workspace. Due to being less members people were more observant and she could not conceal the bruises as well as she had been able to and people started noticing them. A male colleague was the first, he asked her if everything was okay at home as he had seen the bruises and he noticed that somedays Sue was not herself. When she told him he was so incensed that he threatened to find Joe and give him a hiding, Sue pleaded with him not to as it would just create more trouble. She eventually resigned from that company, and took an office job where she had little contact with men and their pay was substantially less than what she had been earning, Sue was also more isolated now.

Her domestic abuse not only impacted on her but it impacted on her work and her colleagues, her pay cut made her more dependent on him. Some days she did not go to work because either she had not slept or he had assaulted her, some days while she was at work her productivity was very low because she was either processing what had happened or fearful of what was going to happen. At one stage she weighed 43 kilograms from the stress. Sue did eventually leave Joe.

Sometimes the workspace is the only safe space for victims.

Gender based violence is a broad - term for various forms of abuse inflicted on individuals, it is multifaceted and embedded in personal, situational and social-cultural contexts based on gender norms and unequal power relations which is embedded in biases and discrimination.  The different forms of GBV are sexual harassment, sexual violence, physical violence, coercive and controlling behavior, intimidation, harassment, discrimination, psychological and emotional violence, stalking and cyber bullying.

It's become increasingly evident that addressing gender-based violence is not just a moral imperative but also a business necessity.

Not all organizations have a clear policy and code of conduct that explicitly addresses harassment in the workplace and supports employees who are victims of domestic violence, it is critically important for all employers to have a policy in place against any form of harassment in the workplace and included in the policy how to support employees who experience domestic violence.

Employers across the globe have demonstrated their ability to prioritize staff health and well-being, especially during challenging times like the COVID-19 pandemic. They've implemented new systems and protocols to maintain productivity while ensuring their employees feel supported and valued.

Gender-based violence affects everyone, everywhere - at work, at ho

me, and in social settings. And it's up to all of us to address it, not just during designated awareness periods but every single day.

According to the Code of Good Practice outlined in The Employment Equity Act of 1998, employers have a duty to prevent, eliminate, and manage all forms of harassment in the workplace. This not only fosters a culture of equity and equality but also safeguards the well-being of your staff.

The costs of gender-based violence are staggering, both economically and emotionally. In South Africa alone, it's estimated to cost between R28.4 and R42.4 billion per year due to decreased productivity, lost wages, and other related expenses. And the impact doesn't stop there - it affects the morale of your employees and tarnishes your organization's reputation.

But there is hope. By taking proactive steps to address gender-based violence in the workplace, we can make a difference.

Together, we can create a safer, more supportive workplace for everyone. Let's stand united against gender-based violence and make a positive impact in our organizations and communities.

Safe Work Dynamics are trainings and courses we offer for businesses:

Creating awareness of gender-based violence in the workplace,

Domestic violence and the impact in the workplace,

Developing policies for the workplace,

Client vulnerability policy,

Assist in awareness campaigns.

To book a consultation email me at felicity@felicityguest.com

Strategies for changing individual behaviour and mindsets of everyone involved in the world of work need to work alongside shifts in workplace practices and policies. 

The South African workplace can be a micro-system of the broader society where violence is pervasive, employees are both victims and perpetrators,  but the workplace also has the potential for being a space free of GBV.

Whilst GBV is not discriminatory it disproportionately affects women and other marginalised groups who make up the LGBTQ+++ community.  One in two women and one in five men experience abuse, it is for this reason that when we talk about GBV we normally refer to women being victims taking into account the other influences which contribute to women and other marginalised groups of people being more vulnerable to abuse.

Make a commitment and take action, we can all play a part in stopping this epidemic.

Mediating Divorces

This article appeared in the Sunday Times about 4 years ago regarding mediation for couples divorcing. Somehow the press realized divorces could be mediated.

Divorce agreements have been mediated for years and remedial action for disputes thereafter to be mediated before litigated.

People need to understand that navigating Family courts is not what it is perceived it to be. They are putting a band-aid on a seeping wound, in fact, often lawyers, mediators, social workers, and courts infect the wound with septicemia.

This was my comment in the article.

"The concept paper is brilliant but like all things implementation is imperative, our government has a poor history in implementing brilliant concepts and legislation, we just have to look at our Constitution.  Many people still do not know the significance of the Bill of Rights, where to find it, and why this is, across the socio-economic spectrum.  This remedial action should be part of marriage contracts, co-parenting should be the norm in antenatal classes, the high divorce rate is a reality and post-marriage should be discussed so that parents are better informed should it happen".

Let's be honest, who goes into a marriage thinking about divorce other than when considering the marriage contract, and that is mainly influenced by protecting current or future wealth.

I have become a lot more informed and I would have responded differently had this been posed today.

If couples separate and it is mostly amicable then divorces can be successfully mediated to the benefit of both parties in a short period of time.

With the high rate of domestic violence we can't ignore DV in divorces, most victims say they were not heard in mediation (private mediators and lawyers) and to move on, they are told to put the past behind them. Victims are coerced into not pursuing protection orders as it will cause ongoing conflict.

The research shows us that the abuse does not stop, often it escalates.  Post-relationship abuse is often worse because it is more covert and people are ignorant about the kinds of abuse post-relationship, and the immediate and long-term impacts.

Coercive controlling behavior has devastating consequences and many people in the value chain are complicit and perpetrators in the abuse. 

If mediating Domestic Violence cases within the court system is tantamount to malpractice and it defeats the objectives of the Domestic Violence Act as per the recent directive issued as a result of our lobbying against mediation in DV cases we need to now focus on mediating divorces, co-parenting, and maintenance.

Domestic violence is domestic violence and there needs to be policies and directives about ALL forms of domestic violence in ALL SITUATIONS

There needs to be proper legislation informing the criteria for qualifications for mediators and which cases are suitable for mediation.  This can't be discretionary because those who have discretion are not always suitably qualified to be discerning about DV.

In addition, we have to be cognizant of the unequal socioeconomics of South Africa, many do not have the financial means to pay mediators, and it is unconstitutional to prejudice or exclude a person based on their economic situation. The Family Advocates Office which is state-funded and free should be more accessible to more people like the CCMA. The Office of the Family Advocate already faces challenges due to the lack of resources.

I am not against mediation, if used correctly by qualified professionals in the right circumstances it produces great outcomes.

I AM AGAINST MEDIATION BEING PUSHED as the best solution especially when the agreement is facilitated by mediators with minimal qualifications and training. When agreements are signed with consent (often coerced) by both parties and made an order by the court it is legally binding. It is not mandatory to have a legal qualification to be a mediator.

The fact that our courts are overburdened and under-resourced is being used to manipulate people into agreeing (coerced) to mediation in family matters.

Definition of adversarial (of a trial or legal proceedings) in which the parties in a dispute have the responsibility for finding and presenting evidence.

"an adversarial system of justice"

The court requires evidence, but mediation does not, abusers are master manipulators, and manipulating mediators and court officials is a slam dunk for them.

Civil Court is unemotional and in most cases agre, an agreement is reached before court dates. DV is a criminal offense, emotional abuse by it's its nature is emotional so to minimize the covert non-physical violence goes against the intention of the DV Act.

A full risk assessment should be mandatory for all family matters that require intervention or finalization.